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Update (Feb 27, 2026): Simon Willison pointed out that WASM support for interpreted languages is further along than I what I thought. wasm32-unknown-wasip1 is a Tier 2 supported target for CPython (meaning failures block releases), with unofficial WASI builds available. Pyodide ports CPython to WASM via Emscripten with support for packages like NumPy, pandas, and SciPy. On the JavaScript side, QuickJS compiled to WASM works well for sandboxed JS execution. Wasmer can run Python server-side on WASM including native modules like gevent and SQLAlchemy. I haven’t tried these yet, but I am looking forward to .
For other breakfast scholars who wish to further my study, I offer my data and code. If you are so foolhardy that you wish to explore the bounds of dark breakfast yourself, the recipe is as follows: